When Your Friends Let You Down
There’s nothing quite as hurtful as when someone you love disappoints you, and when your friends let you down, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. If you’ve ever been bruised by a broken friendship, this is one post you won’t want to miss!
What is it about female friendships that can send us right back to junior high? Most of the time I tend to think that at 37 years old, I am well past all that girl drama. I have lots of wonderful acquaintances, but only a very small handful of people I would consider my close friends and my “people.”
Those are the ones I trust completely, the ones I can pour my heart out to, the ones who I know will be there for me no matter what, and the ones who are immune to all the jealousy and pettiness and cattiness that so often crops up between us women. They are the ones for which no explanation is necessary when we haven’t talked for a while, the ones who can pick up exactly where we left off as if no time has passed. The ones who understand that life gets crazy sometimes, and don’t take it personally.
They are the ones who won’t ever let me down.
Except, of course, when they do.
What then?
Not so long ago I found myself in this exact situation. One of my very closest friends was suddenly not so close anymore, and I had no idea why. For a while, I tried to blow it off, to brush away that gnawing gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. And then, when the feeling didn’t go away, I even called to apologize. I told her I wasn’t sure what I had done, but it just felt like something wasn’t right, and that I was genuinely sorry for anything I may have done that had caused the rift I was feeling. She laughed it off and assured me that it was nothing, but still, the uneasiness lingered.
I wondered if I might just be paranoid.
But as time went on, it became more and more clear that I wasn’t just being paranoid. The uneasiness remained and instead, this friend, the one I had trusted and leaned on, admired and looked up to, stayed up until all hours talking to, the one I would do anything for, was quite clearly no longer interested in my friendship. She stopped responding to emails and text messages and suddenly no longer had time to chat, even though I could see from her social media posts that she was making time for lots of other friends.
And then, at the moment I needed her most, she completely let me down. I had reached out to ask for help on a project that was very important to me, sent her both a long email explaining what was going on and two text messages asking her to check her email. She ignored them all.
It crushed me.
All at once, I felt like I was 14 years old again. I replayed every conversation, every email, every text message over and over again in my head. I cried. Then I got angry. Then I cried some more. What had I done?
Finally, feeling completely lost, I called my friend Edie to talk about it. As my accountability partner, I knew she would probably have some good advice. If nothing else, she would be a shoulder to cry on. I half hoped she would commiserate with me and reassure me that this other friend was just a jerk and I would be perfectly justified to never speak to her again.
But that’s not quite what happened.
While she did commiserate and fully understand exactly why I so was hurt and angry, her advice took me completely off guard.
“I think you should give her grace,” she said quietly.
Every part of me protested. “But she is the one who should apologize! She is the one who hurt me! She doesn’t deserve grace!”
“No, she doesn’t,” Edie agreed. “But neither do we.”
Oh.
Chagrined and humbled, I promised to try to give grace, even if I didn’t feel like it. And wouldn’t you know it? Not 24 hours later, an opportunity arose. The friend who had let me down now needed me.
Friends, I had to dig deep. The last thing on earth I felt like doing was helping the friend that had just wounded me without an ounce of remorse or a word of apology.
But I did it anyway.
And you know what? It didn’t fix our damaged friendship. There was no dramatic change of heart, no “aha” moment, no tearful reconciliation. Just the opposite, in fact—in the time since, she has let me down several more times, and I have simply had to come to terms with the fact that our friendship will probably never again be what it once was.
But although it didn’t fix anything, it did make me feel better. It took away the bitterness that was filling up my heart and allowed me to let go of the hurt and anger I was feeling. It has also allowed me to have a lot more compassion, and to see that perhaps the problem isn’t something I’ve done, but maybe just a result of something she is going through.
It often takes a whole lot of effort and intentionality to be a good friend. It means being willing to put yourself out there and to risk being hurt. And, inevitably, because we are making ourselves vulnerable, there will be times where our friends disappoint us and let us down. They will hurt our feelings. They will annoy us. They will forget to show up or say something stupid, or make a decision we don’t agree with. They will be flawed and imperfect and inadequate. In other words, they will be human.
And although we may be justified in our anger or our hurt, the truth is that there have probably been plenty of times when we’ve been the ones to let our friends down, the ones who said something careless, the ones who didn’t come through, the ones in need of grace. At least I know I have.
In order to have a friend, we must BE a friend, and ultimately that means showing grace when our friends don’t come through the way we want them to. It means forgiving when necessary, looking for the good instead of the bad, and treating them the way we’d like to be treated, the way we’ve already been treated.
Even when we don’t feel like it.
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Beautifully written article. I’ve also had this happen to me, and your right, Grace and forgiveness are the only way. Even when we don’t want to. We still have to treat others the way we want to be treated. Because you see it isn’t between you and them. It’s between you and God.
My best friend just got engaged and never told me I heard it from someone else
But t I texted her and said is there anything you have to tell me. Then she tells whats that about
Thought we were besties
Beautifully said. I think the book Unglued really help me to understand this whole dynamic. I know I may not always come across as loving or supportive, even when I mean to. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do as a friend. The book really helped me just let things go and accept my friends as the humans they are. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but it does humble me and reminds me I am in need of just as much (if not more) grace!
Can you tell me about this book Unglued? Who’s the author? Probably something I need to read!
It is by Lisa Terkeurst. I love all her books!
Beautifully Written Article with Meaningful Advice to Put into practice… GOD Faith Hope Unconditional Love ✌ Always…
My best friend just got engaged and never told me I heard it from someone else
But t I texted her and said is there anything you have to tell me. Then she tells whats that about
Thought we were besties
Lysa Terkeurst…she is an excellent author and speaker. The book was released in 2012. So it is available online for as little as 5.87 used. New is $16.99. It is in paperback. Publisher is Zondervan. May be available through your Public Library.
Beautifully Written Article and Meaningful Advice to Put into Practice…. GOD Faith Hope Unconditional Love ✌Always…
I disagree a bit. I think it’s foolish trying to start drama over ungrateful people. Also it’s ok overgrowing friends, which it seems is what happened with your friends from your text. Life and priorities change and so friendships.
But giving “grace” to ungrateful , inconsiderate people is not nice. Talk to them like adults that it hurts, if they don’t change or don’t care, move on and treat them as acquitances. If they turned bad people simply cut people like them from life. Humiliating for toxic friends won’t make anyone feel better and will perpetuate toxic behaviour.
Yes I know what to do I only had this happen once the guy let me down because of his stupid girlfriend needless to say I’m not his friend anymore it’s good to ditch any friend that lets you down I’m super particular about my friendships
Since grammar school (I’m now nearly 37 as well) I have always seemed to attract “friends” that are users. I would always be there for them. Always be their shoulder. Always lend them money (that would never be returned). Always give and give and give. The,n when I would need them most, they would desert me. Or they would call me and tell me their problems for an hour and never even utter the words “how are you?” before ending the call.
This was particularly painful about two years ago when the one person that I still called friend began to call me, email me and text me about the problems she was having in her marriage. She had been married less than a year to a guy she knew in high school but had only been talking to about 6 mos before they married. A guy that in those six months, she had already seen go to rehab twice for alcohol abuse. She would sit there for hours complaining about something that she knowingly entered into and then had an excuse for every answer or help I tried to give. At this same time my 5 yo had just started kindergarten and was struggling. We were taking her to doctors and getting her tested. We had gotten an ADHD diagnosis and were trying to work with the teacher and school with very little luck. We were upset, frustrated and scared for our little girl. Through all these calls she never asked how I was. Or how my husband or daughters were doing. And the moment she would run out of breath, she would be in a rush to hang up. So I admit, I became a little passive aggressive and stopped responding to her. Now I don’t really put my trust or faith in anyone else. I’m just not willing to sacrifice what little free time I have, to give to people that won’t appreciate it and can’t reciprocate. it may be a little lonely, but it’s a lot less heartbreaking.
Hi Mom of Two Precious Girls! I’ve been in your shoes! A friend recommended a Christian book to me called “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and it’s fantastic. I think this topic can be confusing because while we all need to give grace and forgiveness, that doesn’t mean we should repeatedly have to be subjected to destructive emotional behavior from a “friend”. God called to forgive, but we are not called or created to be doormats. When people didn’t want to listen to Jesus and what He was teaching, He “shook the dust off His feet” and moved on. When a “friend” has proven that she is just using you, it is beneficial to both you and her to end the friendship. Two things result from this. The first is that you are freed from emotional abuse/misuse of precious time that is being taken away from your own family, and the second is that if forces the “friend” to examine her behavior, and ask God to help her and take real action steps, instead of just venting her garbage onto you and dragging you down. It protects your heart and God does call us to “guard your heart” so that you are not burdened and your family is not dragged down as a result of the burden on you. I hope this helps! Read “Boundaries”, I highly recommend it!!! 🙂
I know how you feel. A friend I have had for years and years is just fading away but says nothing is wrong. I am sorry for your pain and mine!
I also draw needy people and learned to identify the type and not allow myself into being their rescuer Some people are just users and suck people dry emotionally and then move on taking no steps to grow in their relationship with God opting instead to use people as their emotional pain killers. I’m responsible for being kind but not required to allow those people to invade my emotions or waste my time. It’s okay to be candid with such people and move on. I’m not God and we get in his way if we allow. Learn to be alone. Best to have no close friends than unhealthy ones. The fact is you’ll only have one or two close friends in your life.
Well put! I am not hear to be a door mat. In wish everyone well but this person showed her true colors in her words because she was silent, in her actions because she never responded and her patterns because she has a track record of dismissing.
This person did not need to return for one more kick in the butt and disguise it as grace. A friendship is reciprocal but to each their own.
*here and excuse any other typos
MomofTwoPreciousGirls I totally agree. I have had a similar event happen and I agree with you…. it may be lonely but its A LOT LESS HEARTBREAKING. Im tired of getting my feelings hurt and heart broken.
Thank you for this. I’m actually going through the same thing with my only (and younger) sister. It’s and heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. I’m trying to give her grace and forgive her, but it’s so hard when I keep getting hurt over and over. BTW, I’m 38, so I know what you mean by thinking we should be over this by now.
I’ll pray for you as I think it’s especially hard with a sibling. I’m right there…..
When my one and only little sister was treated for ovarian cancer, she had a close group of friends that she preferred over me for support. It hurt me down to my toenails and I can’t tell you how much anger I had to choke down on the fewer times I got to see her. But before she died, she changed her Facebook profile to a picture of us together in happier days. I realize now her beautiful friends were an amazing blessing for her last days & comfort, and I know she loved me for allowing her that gift in the end. But I hope you and your sister can read this and insist on a monthly pure fun time together, & take turns figuring out what that is! My prayers from my family to yours. ❤️
Hi – feel your sadness. I have learned that there is an ebb and flow to friendships sometimes. They aren’t always strong. Sometimes a strong one will weaken and then return to you. Sometimes, it won’t. I don’t understand it either. I finally told a friend that I was no longer exchanging e-mails. Hers had gotten shorter and very superficial in the last 2 years and did I say infrequent? It freed me from looking for her e-mails and being so disappointed. Sometimes you have to protect yourself. I hope she will come back some day, but it may not happen…sad but true
How can she come back if you pushed her out . She can’t come back to being unwanted. If she’s pleasing you. Only then how would she know you don’t respond? Maybe tell her what pleases you and she can decide if she’s able to give what you want.
My best friend just got engaged and never told me I heard it from someone else
But t I texted her and said is there anything you have to tell me. Then she tells whats that about
Thought we were besties0
This is a theme I keep seeing popping up on blogs I follow and I don’t think I would have noticed if it wasn’t something I’ve been experiencing and thinking a lot about for the last year. This is a great reminder to not see the friend as a relationship goal or a problem to be fixed but as a person, loved by God and going through something on their own. Grace is the only way we can approach them because we know we can’t fix people or force them to do anything. Oh, beautiful grace, it never fails.
I forgave the guy friend I had that let me down but we never went back to being friends I never spoke to him so I guess nothing happened that the article suggested but one good thing happened I got a brand new guy friend that’s ten times better then the one I never spoke to again I’m better off without Dominic to be honest then advice in this article doesn’t always work well not if you haven’t hardly spoken to the person I’m just not that interested in talking to this guy ever again I’m better off being here by myself I’m taking care of myself now and I’m happier and more confident then I ever was when I was friends with Dominic and I started eating better exercising more and eating less as well because I’m no longer depressed I don’t need to give Dominic grace because I no longer speak to him I’m not his friend anymore I kinda cut him off completely a year ago it’s much better this way
This was the perfect post for me today as I have been going through this with my best friend from middle school. And we are now in our 50s! I just had to keep telling myself that it was nothing I did (since I wracked my brain about what I could have done to upset her), and that it must be something she is going through, even though I have asked and asked — and also didn’t get any text or email replies back from her. I have the book Unglued and now I can’t wait to read it. It’s nice to know that it’s not just me and that women of all ages go through the same struggles.
sometimes grace and unconditional love is letting go of someone. If they are not wanting to respect your healthy boundaries than it is time to let them go. We wouldn’t want to put up with physical abuse so why put up with emotional abuse? Why cheat yourself? there are many other people out there that would appreciate your friendship more. It isn’t helping you or the other person and turns into a unhealthy relationship. If we don’t treat ourselves with love and respect than how can we treat anyone else that way? We need to speak our truth and stand by it no one else is going to do it for us. Based on the law of attraction you are going to keep on getting those kind of friendships if you don’t ask for better ones and let the toxic ones go. That is what we are here for speak our truth and be open and authentic. Too many people in the world to drain your energy on something that the other person clearly doesn’t want and neither do you. I have had to do this myself. I am a recovering people pleaser which from a biblical stand point is not biblical at all. Yahshua didn’t try to people please anyone. He spoke his truth and shook the dust off his feet when they didn’t want to perceive it.
Completely agree!!!
Beautifully written. I’ve struggled with this as well and have often wondered how a girlfriend could wound me so deeply. I think it’s because our relationships with other women are so deep and complex. There are so many layers and nuances which simply don’t exist in our relationships with men. We let them into our deepest thoughts and insecurities so it feels like that much more of a betrayal when something goes awry. Good for you for how you handled it. I don’t know that I could have done the same.
Exactly. I went through the same thing and it has taken me years to move on. I’m still not 100% there but I’m on my way. I just couldn’t understand how another woman could upset me for so long and so much. But you’ve really hit the nail on the head. We had a very deep emotional connection and I trusted her with my innermost insecurities and thoughts.
Beautifully said, Ruth. It’s not easy, but we do need to show them grace. Thanks to you and Edie for this reminder!
This really hit home. I had a coworker who was really close to me and just like that she became very distant. She even went as far as to hide her posts from me on social media. To this day I have no idea what happened or where I went wrong, but she eventually came around a little bit and talked to me but never was as close as she was. It is such a weird feeling to have no idea what happened and be left to accept it. Great post.
Trish
http://www.thetrishlist.com
This hit home and as life goes on notice that people will come in and out of your path for a reason. Sometimes we out grow certain friendships. Not long ago I was asked who was my best friend, my “person” I paused for a second, smiled and responded…. my husband. That’s when I realized that friendships no longer mattered because my person had been beside me the whole time. Don’t get me wrong I like friends, I just don’t like the drama that sometimes comes with it. Sometimes it just boils down to jealousy or the littlest thing, a problem that could be solved by with a smile and wave. When you set out to be a positive example for others that road can get rough… Just keep walking, hold your head high and remember that God knows your heart.
Agreed. I am going through the same thing right now. I was ill. My friends took me in and within a few months told me I had to leave. I was devastated, felt betrayed and crushed. I didn’t think this would have happened in a million years but it did. Just about every day I think about it and how it hurts. I have not tried to reach out because I am still trying to get over the hurt and disappointment. This is a person who I looked up to as a sister. Yes we give Grace and even forgiveness and try to move past it. But the hurt is still there. I just continue to pray about it. I’m glad I stumbled on this page. The stories are inspirational. Thanks.
Just a different thought. Sometimes A friend pulls away because she loves you. In my case, my friend’s husband was making inappropriate comments, stopping by alone without notice, and making me feel scared and uncomfortable. I pulled away from the friendship, because ithere was no way to explain that ” I just had a bad gut feeling”. There was no way to still see her and not him. I still feel sad I hurt her.
The most loving thing would be to tell your friend how her husband is behaving so that she does not blindly go through life without knowing that he is actually a sleaze bag. Why would you want your friend to be with a guy who acts this way? This is more than a “bad feeling”, you have concrete examples of inappropriate behaviour. Being a good friend involves being honest, even when it is uncomfortable.
Agree wholeheartedly with Penny. Absolutely tell your friend about her husband’s behavior.
I did this FOR my friend. I was thrown out with the bath wzter. Of course she defended her husband. What else could she do at the time. Of course, years down the road she was ready to face the truth with 2 babies in tow. Have tied to reconnect to support her ;but no go. Yes, I miss her very much. I pray for her.
Female friendships are so tough to navigate. I am 34 but recently reminded that there are still mean girls in the lunchroom. I would love to say that if given the opportunity to pour grace on them, I would take it, but actually, I am almost certain I would not. This has been the hardest truth for me to realize, that I’m not as loving as I really do wish to be. Maybe that’s why it all has happened, so that God could show me a huge area of woundedness in desperate need of healing. I hate to think it had to have gone to such great and painful lengths, but it’s a lesson worth learning, no matter the cost. But it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Sometimes we think we are the only ones that still have these things happen to us, but it’s so not true.
That was a large pill to swallow! But such an amazing testimony. One thing that all women worry about, but most do not discuss, is the value of friendship. We all are consumed with our husbands, and children, and jobs, etc. Sometimes you just need a good friend to understand that throughout it all we are still here for each other, and we love each other all the same. I feel bad that your friend didn’t give you the same respect that you would usually give her. It is so hard to be vulnerable by extending yourself despite your feelings and better judgement, and just to be burned at the end. Thankfully you were able to see the brighter side of things and share your story with many women who needed to hear it…LIKE ME!
This post was so comforting to me because for the longest time, I thought I was the only one this was happening to! Really good friends would all the sudden “disappear” and I had no idea what happened! I am 43, and just last year, I spent two days crying because of how a friend hurt me. I have searched and wondered why friends seem to get really close, then suddenly start ignoring me. I have evaluated my life and my soul and come up with no good answers. All I can conclude is that they were in my life for a short time for a reason, but God always allows me to have the exact right people in my life when I need them or when they need me. Now when this happens (friends disappear) I am not surprised or upset. I just accept that it is time for me to meet other friends, or just appreciate more the ones I have.
Ruth, my heart goes out to you. I have been there! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this truth with us today.
This has happened to me as well over the last several years but it was two best friends whom were also twins and at the same time but for different reasons. 35 year old friendships. I made my attempts at reconciliation to them both but it honestly is never going to be the same. I had to give it to God. It was keeping me confused and upset. I was trying to handle it myself and we know that never works. I needed Him to handle this and he has. Since I gave it to him a couple months ago, I have felt peace with what he has decided.
I sat reading this, basically friendless. I have 2 friends who live over an hour away that we chat on FB or text if the need arises, but other than that, I don’t have any close mommy friends where I live. It hit home reading about your experience because I had a friend a few years ago that we went through a lot together texting/calling, etc. Until she started pulling away, and I was still texting and calling and she wasn’t responding.
Now, we don’t talk at all.
But I realized, that she was there in my life for a season.
And in being friends with her I learned a lot about myself and saw how I want a true friend to treat me.
I am currently awaiting God to send me a new friend (or even better, friends) into my life, but until then, Grace is a good thing to practice!
Great post!
What is grace and how do you give it?
Grace is undeserved kindness from God that he showed to us by giving us his Son. So I guess it would be underserved kindness we would have to show unto others as well.
Hi Ruth,
Thank you so much for writing this post. The same thing happened to me a couple of years ago- right down to my friend laughing it off when I asked her what was wrong. Intellectually I know that this kind of stuff doesn’t just happen to me, but emotionally I was asking myself: “Why me? What I do wrong? Do I somehow deserve this?” Though I am certainly sorry this happened to you, your post gives me great comfort because if it happened to you- who I see as a kind, thoughtful and caring person- it can happen to anybody, and it isn’t because of anything you, me, or anyone else who finds themselves in this unfortunate situation did wrong.
My first thought when I finally realized my friend was, well, no longer my friend, was “She didn’t care enough about me to tell me what I did and talk it through with me.” And that certainly might be the case. But as I wrote this, another thought popped into my head… what if what she was feeling about me was negative, but doesn’t have anything to do with anything I’ve said or done- like jealously, or envy- that she can’t talk to me about because then she would have to admit to me (and to herself) that she is feeling things that “good” friends don’t feel about each other?
Now, I don’t have a life that I think anyone would be jealous or envious over- I’m just a regular ol’ person just like everyone else. The only thing I can think of in my sitch that may have caused jealousy on her part was I was able to walk away from the toxic work environment we both worked in and she wanted to do the same but she felt she couldn’t. But, I never rubbed that or anything else in her face… I always try to keep myself humble. But because of all that, if she is feeling the way I think she might be, it might be all the more harder on her that not only did I not rub anything in her face, I cared enough about her to say something when I noticed she was drifting away. If I hadn’t, it may have helped her justify in her mind the way she was feeling about me.
Now, I know all of this is a whole lot of speculation on my part about my friend, and I have no idea if any of this applies to the sitch with your friend. But, given the information I do have, it is a plausible explanation of what could have happened between us, so I wanted to share it with you in the hopes it might give you some insight of what happened between you and your friend.
Again, I am so sorry that this happened to you… no matter what the reason is, it is still agonizing to lose a friend who was so very close at one time. Approaching it with grace is a very positive and loving way to handle it, for her but more importantly for yourself, and your decision to do so shows a lot of strength and maturity on your part.
Sorry this got so long! I hope this has helped in some way.
All the best!
Michelle @ The Painted Hinge
It takes years to learn about someone, and trust is an on-going gift that has to be earned. Let that friend go and don’t look back. Who knows, she may be jealous of you for some reason, whatever, it doesn’t matter. She’s NOT, repeat, NOT your friend. Gift her what she’s giving you – avoidance. Love and respect yourself enough to say GOOD-BYE in your mind and don’t ask why. Life is too short. I’ve found if you have one friend that you can totally trust-not in competition with you or other issues, you’re lucky.
Let it go and move on.
I am at the point myself where I feel like I have some friends but none who are close. Also, I just had a friend do something that left me feeling betrayed. Like you said, Ruth, I decided I need to give her grace, but it’s taking a while for me to actually feel like I’ve given her grace even though in my mind I want to. It’s true some friends walk away and they can’t tell you why. I did that to a friend once when I was going through a difficult time and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. The truth was though, I couldn’t relate to her extremely high standards anymore and I knew she would disagree with me on so many things that we didn’t have anything in common anymore. It was time to move on and I decided to work on the relationships I have that will potentially be supportive, fun, and devoted. Thanks for the article! It’s awesome to hear other women being honest about this subject.
What you describe here is exactly how I felt about you and I, and the friendship we once had.
Who?
I enjoyed your article. I thought I was the only person having problems making friends with other women. I think the older we get the harder it is to make good friendships. Unfortunately some people cannot be honest. In a perfect world there would be more honesty going around so we can be true in the way we relate to others.
I am in the midst of this right now. In my case, I know what happened; it was a set of unfortunate circumstances that left her feeling hurt. But she won’t even reply to messages or texts to try to talk it through. I’ve been especially hurt myself because I had a cancer scare (false alarm! Hallelujah!), and the most I got when I sent her a message was an “okay” to my request for prayer. When I sent an update about my referrals, I could see she got the message, but she didn’t reply. When I sent her the message that it wasn’t cancer, she sent me a happy little emoticon, but no words.
It’s really tough because I thought she was my closest friend, period. She’s now acknowledging my social media comments on her activity, but that’s as far as it has gone. My heart is heavy over this, but I’m trying hard to be low pressure but still open. Thank you for this encouragement. I needed the reminder that, whether this “fixes” anything, I need to be patient and kind.
Oh, my goodness, Ruth! I could’ve totally written this post a couple of years ago. Still to this day, I wonder what happened with a really good blogging friend I had. It went down pretty much like you shared here. It broke my heart, and at first, I took all the blame on myself and thought I must be a pretty terrible friend. I was paranoid, too…and thought I was crazy! But slowly, I’ve been able to see that this is a pattern in that person’s life, and there are some trust issues. As much as I still care and would like to be friends, I guess a one-sided friendship isn’t really a friendship.
Anyway, thank you for this post. It’s a good reminder to extend grace even when it is difficult.
A former very close friend of mine placed my 22 year old in terrible danger a few years ago to the point of sitting on the fence of breaking the law. I think my situation is a little different and it took me about a year to get to a place of forgiveness even though it was never asked for and to have grace toward this person. I had to work through that it was freeing to me that I forgive and to have grace on her just like Jesus has grace on me. What Jesus did tell me is I did have to have her as a close friend. Being 50 years old, I never in a million years thought I would have had to walk that road and hope no one ever has to either. It was one of the most painful experiences in my life.
I have really enjoyed reading the comments, it has made me feel like I am most certainly not alone in this. i am trying to work towards a forgiveness that is very difficult, htank you all for sharing your comments on this difficult subject.
This is a great post! It’s hard not to take something like this personally, and it IS heartbreaking (I’ve had this happen within my close-knit family). This advice is classic and so poignant. I will keep it in mind, always! <3
So beautifully written and TRUE! Oh the perils of friendship…loving deeply means opening ourselves up to being hurt deeply. I hate that and sooooo can relate! What a beautiful story of leaning into the hard parts not because they deserve your grace, but offering it because it’s who you are. Love you friend. xo
Nope. As an older woman, I have learned to bless their future journey without me. Sometimes I even say to them in my mind “F#%£ OFF! No regrets.
So what if it’s your mother in law and sisters in law? When my husband and I were first married, I was included in activities when everyone was in town. For probably the last five years, I have been actively excluded, despite their knowledge that I am interested in sharing time with them. Not only this, but my mother in law has shredded me by yelling at me more than once in front of others in the family.
Unfortunately, I’m not able to just ignore them and move on, because my kids like to spend time with my husband’s family. Also, my husband also seems to be oblivious to this.
What makes it especially hard is that my sisters in law always are charming when we are all together and they seem friendly and interested, but they will decline my invitations for things like day after Christmas shopping and then go out themselves.
As I read what I have written, it sounds like I’m paranoid, but this happens regularly and repeatedly. I would love to just write them off, but I feel like that would make things worse. But living with it I’d also humiliating.
Your husband’s family sounds like my ex’s. Is he a mama’s boy? Worships his mom, your cooking will never be as good as hers? Just curious.
Sometimes inlaws are mean girls
When mine treats me mean I ignore them until there nice again
I donit to keep the peace
Hang in there
Great to read this. I went through it 2 years ago with a friend I thought of as a sister. Could talk about anything. Spent hours visiting, on adventures and even just grocery shopping. Was hurt because she had lied about a trip she planned to be away for my birthday. Something dumb I know. Went through a tough phase with my father being ill during that time and in retrospect I was tired and over sensitive. The next day she sent me a kiss off text. And despite my efforts to reach out, even apologize she simply ignored me and we haven’t spoken since. I was hurt of course, and have spent much time questioning of the friendship and emotional connection was ever real. But I now accept it was just something I had to go through. And that friends that care about you not only realize when you are out of character, but that from time to time you will be upset with each other for valid or dumb reasons but it won’t end relationships
I can relate – beautifully written post.
Hi Ruth,
I just Googled “when your friends let you down” and came upon this post. It’s so close to what I’m going through but with me currently it’s three friends–my closest–who are being distant from me. And I am not getting it. I sent out a long e-mail to a week ago, as you said you did when a difficult issue was presented to you, and I’ve yet to hear back. Had I received such an e-mail from her or any of my friends I would have reached out right away–or within a couple days anyway. She’s out of work right now and because she is single with no kids (while my husband and I and our four kids had struggled the couple times he was without a job and I worked just part-time), she should be well off enough to not be struggling, as she made more than me and my husband put together for a number of years. I get it, though, that unemployment is rough and believe me when I say I’ve listened to her for hours on end (that’s no exaggeration) while she commiserated over her jobless situation (It seemed that every time she insisted we get together was when she had something to talk about), so not to respond to me when I’m going through a bump is really hurtful. In fact, she disappeared from our lives for about 10 years after my youngest was born, at a time I could have used a friend’s help or at least a shoulder to cry on.
My other two friends are in no man’s land as well. One lives in another state and if we don’t communicate by e-mail or text or phone we don’t communicate at all. I’ve sent a couple long e-mails to her, followed up by texts notifying her I’d sent the e-mails, and all I get back is “sorry, I’ve been busy” and no projection about when she might be able to call or reply. (I work from home and have worked all weekend in addition to all week so I am no stranger to busy. I don’t have a 9-5 job, as she does.)
My third friend was a godsend to me when I was struggling with a family member’s and a friend’s ill health over the past five years. She was an amazing help, especially taking care of my youngest so I could be with the family member and friend. Now that those two have passed away and this friend is now in a bit of turmoil, I keep reaching out to her to get together or talk by phone or e-mail, but I get no response. l know she’s busy (I am too), but how about just a quick text to say all is well or all is not well and let’s talk? I want to be the good friend to her that she was to me.
I can’t say that I’ve ever ignored a friend’s e-mails, letters, texts, or phone calls to this extent in my life, so it’s very hurtful to me. And since I recently lost that dare friend I was mentioning, I’d think my other friends would be a bit more understanding. But it is what it is, I guess.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Exactly what I needed to hear today. THANK YOU!
I have a best friend that I try to please all the time, but I also have a twin sister that always gets the spotlight from everyone. I really upsets me when she gets the spotlight from my best friend too.
I read this article a few weeks ago after someone shared on Facebook. I had a bad dream that night that my best friend of almost twenty years was mad at me. I reached out to her that day, telling her that I had a very realistic dream that she was upset with me (at the time, we were talking daily. I had been checking on her a lot bc her stress levels are high due to family changes.) She responded like her normal self and put my mind to ease. The same day, I invited her to an online event that was very important to me. She made excuses for not attending, which was really okay, but I’ve not heard from her since. I have tried contacting her, showing grace–still no responses. I have realized through this experience that she has actually done this every time I have tried to talk to her or plan something during the last year or so. I came back to reread this today for advice. I’m heartbroken.
Someone I considered a bestie completely shocked me by using me as fodder in her high school level mentality relationship drama. The same old trick – pretend there is a crisis, describe horrible things that shock me, insist unequivocally that it is over & she needs support leaving him, which I of course offer. And then it turns out that this is just a dance they do all the time. And she shows him our text conversation & then BOTH of them condemn ME.
I’m so pissed at myself for falling for that since I’ve seen it so many times before; I really didn’t see it coming. Your article mentions distancing, flaking, annoying, disagreeing — all this I can totally accept. But I don’t really know how to deal with being used as a drama prop. For me this brings up a question of whether or not the friendship even exists any more.
It probably doesn’t existed as a friendship anymore. I am a widow in her 60s who went through a difficult marriage. I complained to family for years about circumstances that one or two friends saw first hand were abusive. I never left because I am disabled and had no financial means. My complaining only distanced me from friends and family. You yourself should not get drawn into her melodrama which is emotionally draining for her. You are not at fault and give her your forgivenes. Yet, as an older person I wonder what happened to a time when friends were there when you needed them to just listen????? 8/12/ 2019
I have ADHD (as a 38-year-old woman) and have such limited mental space for keeping up friendships, I’ve become very content with the superficial. Everything else drains me as though I had just run a marathon. I love my friends, but need “appointments” to keep contact with them. If they’re where I am – I’m 100% in friend-mode! But out of sight literally means out of mind for me. It’s horribly embarrassing. I think I may be becoming more of a hermit – even though my life is very busy with kids, teaching, marriage, home-care, church, just like everyone else.
When there’s not something I “have” to be at, I literally can’t remember the things that are relationship-upkeep. Their problems become second layers to my problems. It feels too heavy that I, more often than not, do nothing. 🙁 But there are no (absolutely no) negative or hateful feelings toward anyone. I just fail miserably at doing relationship upkeep when I’m perpetually running on empty. I swear, my husband was lucky we met before cell phones were common! We would have ghosted each other by accident!
I worry ALL the time that my acquaintance & close friends wouldn’t understand all this. And I haven’t told them about my ADHD – not even my family or in-laws beyond my parents (I’m also very embarrassed about my diagnosis). I’m married into a highly functional Type A Wonder Woman family who have never dealt with mental health issues like mine, but several close friends don’t believe depression or ADHD are real enough problems not to push through with the right mindset. I look all right on the outside, happy even, but my mind is EXHAUSTING. I am so tired. And I probably look like a neglectful friend or distant sister-in-law , but it’s not because of the person on the other end. I literally can’t keep my head above what is absolutely necessary (which, in reality, is a lot of stuff, and I seem like I’m doing a lot on the outside – but if you ask me to do one more “thing”, I’m going to cry.)
In a nutshell nutshell: In person = GREAT! long distance = inevitable ghosting 🙁 Please keep inviting me. I need something on my calendar to get out of my rut. If I can come, I’ll come. But I sure as heck can’t be the one to schedule the get-togethers. 🙁
You sound like a horrible friend indeed!
I’d rather be her friend than yours, Kim any day. You don’t seem to have much empathy for others. Good luck to you as well.
I don’t think you’re a horrible friend. I think your honesty is refreshing and could be the cause of some of the problems I’ve read in these comments. There’s nothing about adhd or mental health that is any different than, say… diabetis. But there is stigma and I understand how you feel. Do me a favor and I’d your friends ever get their feelings hurt because you haven’t initiated something, think about telling the friend what you’re going thru and all you can do is be a good friend when you are in friend mode. Medication may help, there may be something in Chinese Medicine that will help, there are good anti depressants & great medicine that’s been tested longer than a couple of years,on senior citizens cuz the animal rights people say no more testing on rats! Less side effects. I had a boss that explained it as being in a room full of boxes and someone turns out the light and moves the boxes around and expects you to navigate. Good Luck to you!
Grace or not, nvr doubt your own happiness. I have been let down plenty of times. Thought it was my own fault. Did soul searching and still blame myself. Until it hit me recently that things happened for a reason. People hurt you, because you are kind. And that’s your speciality and uniqueness. No one can give your own happiness but yourself. So let those people do bad unto you, don’t do it to them. I’m 38, very much single(obviously lonely at times n need friends/family for accompaniment) and I often choose to walk away when humans disappoint me. Of course, I will be lonely when I walked away but I know God is fair.
I’ve had this happen with a friend of 20 yrs plus who has texted but not been there in person these last 6 months whilst I ve been having treatment chemo and radio for breast cancer. A difficult time. To say I have been hurt and wounded by this is an understatement. Also because she is the portal to a larger group of friends this has also affected the support dynamic of this group too. I am trying to continue going to pre booked events etc whilst all the time feeling a cast-off. My friend boycotted the Christmas ball we usually attend as I was going – despite my letter urging her to go. No reply. What have I done to deserve this – nothing. Unless you count noticing her drifting away and saying how sad I was about not seeing her. This was seen as criticism I suspect vs a heartfelt plea. I hope someone can tell me how to get through and over this as I am struggling. I know this is her emotional frailty but honestly. How can you not have an ounce of compassion for an old friend that has been battling cancer. I’m lost as to what to say or do as she is a non engaged! Sad from Wirral uk
I googled and found this page because I’m conflicted in what I am actually feeling. I’ve been close with a group of women who I actually brought together about 10 years ago. We have traveled together, partied together. Introduced each other to our extended families. There are some women in the group who are best friends, but everyone has been close. I went through a very difficult time last year in a 30 day period and ended up offending my closet friend in the group. I had been at the hospital 3 days and nights with a sick family member and knew I should have stayed home but wanted some time with my friends. Lack of sleep and a couple of drinks, I was done and went home. The next day I texted her a couple times with no response….started to get that paranoid feeling since we usually texted several times everyday. Finally got a response informing me I had made her husband mad and they thought I had behaved rudely at their home. I was horrified that I had offended unintentionally. She recited my offenses and I apologized to everyone on her list. She assured me that she and her husband loved me and of course accepted my apology. Then she went quiet. Finally after repeatedly reaching out to her she took my call and told me I wasn’t fun anymore and although she hoped we could be cordial when we saw each other that our friendship could never be the same. This happened last May and slowly but surely she has planned activities for the group but leaves me out. My husband encouraged me the end of the year to reach out once more after I actually dreamed we had made up. I text her, told her of my dream and ask if we might get together and talk. She told me she was really busy through the end of the year….we would get together after the new year. It’s the middle of February and still no call. This has all been difficult for me since she was THE person I talked to about everything and visa versa. Today I saw on FB that she’s planning a “girls trip” (which I’ve always planned) and invited everyone but me. I haven’t discussed any of this with any of the other women and have no idea what she has told them as to why I’ve been MIA from activities. I’m really struggling with a multitude of feelings. The fact that she alone knew what a difficult situation I was dealing with, chose to kick me when I was down and is discarding me is heartbreaking. Freezing me out of the group is disheartening. I don’t have anyone to talk to about how I’m feeling without involving women in the group and I’m not stooping to that level. Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
I feel for you. I don’t understand why things can’t be “talked out.” Is it because there is a raw emotion on her part she can’t fess up to? For example, it’s pretty hard to say “I’m jealous of you.” Of course this may not be the reason, I’m just saying the true reason might be too hard to reveal.
I feel your pain, I’ve had a situation in the last 3 yrs. where my first cousin, who I’ve know for 50 years, decided to de emphasize our closeness.
She would very pointedly let me know she had expanded her social network. I have four older sisters but always looked to her as my closet “ sister,” so you can imagine the angst/ pain of it all.
I asked her three times what was going on, her reply “ you’ve asked me that three times, nothing, in a very angry tone.
This all seemed to happen after her mother died. The funny thing is, I used to be her closet confidant when it came to her difficult relationship with her Mom.
All this said, I’ve worked on not feeling victomized, but It’s just pure grief when you lose this type of relationship. I never thought we wouldn’t be close.
The hardest part is we are a close family and other members know and love her and don’t want to take sides (my own sisters included).
Its a hard situation on so many levels. Often I’ve felt it would be MUCH easier to just move on entirely.
To all the women with similar stories, I’m feeling your pain.
I hurt a friend by going ghost on her for 3 months, all because i was angry and i had my own stuff dealing with.She really needed me because her mom was in the hospital. I feel beyond awful. I really need help. Im full of so much pride that it hurt my friendship. I feel so detached from reality
Someone treats you like shit, so bottle it up under a beautiful-sounding word like grace, and keep on giving to someone who only takes? There are other ways to handle it graciously – like having a voice, and simply letting your friend know you her behavior made you feel. Only then can you be honest and have a real friendship, and then decide if she is able to reach out enough to mend things.
Thank you for this beautifully written article. I recently experienced this and am struggling with my emotions as a result. Mourning a friendship is hard, and I feel overwhelmingly inadequate that my friendship (and myself) were held in such low esteem by someone with who I remember a reciprocal connection and great memories with. Did I hurt this person? Why do they not value me anymore? How do our mutual friends feel? What could I have done that was unacceptable to this person? I read through a few articles looking for suggestions on healing, and this article was by far the most helpful. Thank you!
I felt heard by reading this article, as strange as that sounds!
I also ghosted a friend I had been very close to for a few years after she had insulted me. Perhaps it was unintentional, but she does it often and I grew tired. She apologized a few months later “in case I was offended”. I told her it was nothing and that we’re cool. I even tried to start some light-hearted convo. She has not responded since. I wanna do the right thing and reach out again but I’ve really enjoyed not speaking to her on the regular. I’m sure this is not someone who is gonna be my closest friend 20 years from now. But I also don’t wanna be petty. I wanna acknowledge the effort she made by “apologizing” but I also don’t want to restart a close friendship. How can I be a good Christian but also guard my heart and also not be in a fake or shallow friendship?
The friend that did this to me wasn’t a girl he was a guy the first time he let me down was at the state swim meet then after that I needed him in the spring because I had a panic attack and I was home alone I forgave that one because he was in class but not the state swim meet he went out of town with his girlfriend and that’s what makes it unforgivable it makes me feel like I’m in high school too because usually guys in high school do that sometimes he takes days to respond to a text message I had to take his number out of my phone because I don’t know if he’s being a good friend or not I mean sure he’s in medical school and has two jobs and a girlfriend but he can still make time for me I don’t get why he doesn’t
its better to move on when people give you their shit, its hard but necessary
Although beautifully written artlcle and I felt your pain….I feel if you want friends and others to treat you as you treat them, when they don’t reciprocate…one must move on.
I had a intimate friend who was always making unkepted promises….I left, married…him too…both of us lost our spouses later on in life. He reached out to me…I talked, visited and went to dinner with him occasionally. I could still see he was the same self serving, false promises fool as I’d known. He made me a promise this past Christmas unkepted….it disappointed and angered me for I was looking forward to it. I wanted to think he appreciated and valued my time.
This is it I told myself…I shall never speak or be bothered with him again. He calls repeatedly but they go unanswered and will forever…you can’t change who and how people are. I refuse to be used, disvalued and continually let down. There are far more worthy friends out there to be made! Annemarie Conrod-Weigle.
This is so relatable, I think that every woman can relate to this. I’ve definitely gone through this kind of situation, I think I’m even going through it presently. Thank you
Wow this helped so much. My husband and I are going through the same thing with another couple that we have been hanging out with for the past couple of years. We all became really close, always texting and calling each other, going places, and our daughters play a travel sport together so we spent every other weekend with them at tournaments. A couple of weeks ago our daughters left that sports team and now this couple has seemed to have moved on and no longer call us or text us. The few times they have they reached out they acted very fake. Seemed to be digging more for gossip than wanting to know how we were doing or invite us to do something. We have lots of other acquaintances but nobody else that we hang out with. This has been very hard to deal with. The other couple is constantly posting pictures on Facebook of them doing things with all these other people. Meanwhile we have been kicked to the curb like losers and we have no idea what we have done.
I can relate to you guys. I lost a friendship yesterday. For me she’s not only a friend but I treated her as my sister in Christ. We are both Christians and we did Bible study everyday. When she became my friend, I thought God answered my prayer to have someone who will be with me in my spiritual walk. Also, I treated this friendship as calling from the Lord to help her in her walk with God and to pray for her family. But two weeks ago, she suddenly changed. She has change in the way she treated me. Giving me cold shoulder and silent treatment. She’s not answering my messages and I felt the awkwardness everytime we’re together. She’s my boss at work and my business partner but now she stopped everything except for being her boss. She wanted us to be professional and she dont want to have personal relationship with me. She accused me to be someone that I am not. She accused me that I am taking her for granted and I am disrespecting her but I cant remember the time I did that, except for one incident last week that I decided to be silent because I was really tired understanding her. I was tired of thinking if I did something wrong. In fact, I asked her if there’s a problem that we have to discuss. But she told me there’s none and she’s only busy that’e why I understand her. I was trying to understand even I felt that there’s really something wrong. But then I decided to talk to her yesterday and she gave me a decision to end this friendship. I feel hurt and betrayed. Why is it so easy for her to cut me out of her life? Why she chose to say it to me in a way that it seems I never did anything good to her? And I cant forget her face and her look when she told me that. It looks like I did something very bad to her which I have no idea. And it’s hard that I have to see her in the office everyday and I have to talk to her for work related. Please pray for the healing of my heart and that the Lord will give me grace to always choose to forgive everyday.
This post really hit home for me. I have had this exact thing happen to me. Over the past year I have had a “best friend” do numerous things that hurt me deeply. I started dating this great guy and she was jealous and started taking it out on me by doing ugly things that hurt. Any time I tried to calmly talk to her about it she basically had a “get over it” attitude and HAS NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE. Finally I found out she was gossiping and bad mouthing me to another friend of ours and that was just it for me. I cut all communication off with her… and you know what? for almost a year I didn’t hear a word for her. Never reached out to me period. She didn’t even know why I was so upset with her UNTIL I reached out to her months later. I explained myself and told her why I was so upset; Why I stopped talking to her; I mentioned that I found out she was talking ugly about me; I explained to her all I’ve wanted to do was fix our relationship. Her reply back was “the only thing I am sorry for is not being good w talking about feelings.” and she said a few other things basically again telling me to get over it and to stop calling her a bad friend… but she is being one. If I ever do anything wrong I like to be told so I can fix it… I was just so hurt and shocked by how she was acting. She cut me years before this because her bf tried getting w me and I told her. She felt threatened I guess and just ignored me for a year. A year later she reached out and said she missed me.. and we became even stronger than before… years later this happens. I jst sent her this nice email basically telling her im sorry for how things have turned out and telling her I wish things were different and that I wish her the best…. I don’t expect a response back . That message was FOR ME. I needed closure and I got it. sorry for this long response. I appreciate everyones comments. Happy New Year!
I’m surprised that ‘finding grace’ works for anyone. I had a best friend who in the past year would cancel get togethers at the last minute (literally my keys are in my hand) and would have the lamest excuses. I ran into her on an outing with another woman after she dismissed me a few days prior. At that point I more or less wrote her off but it wasn’t completely a write off at that point. I let her talk about herself in text messages, etc. And remained supportive. When she handled a job I did for her (free of charge to help her out with a Christmas gift), dismissively and with callousness to some extent, I sent a detailed email stating how I felt and how horribly wrong it unfolded. She had the chance to apologize but didn’t. I removed all social media contact from her and never spoke to her again. Eliminating toxic people is a must.
I was just praying about this situation asking for direction. This really helped me in the respect of knowing that I am not crazy and I’m not the only one that has experienced this situation. I have a group of friends and each of them were my friends before they knew each other. I introduced them to each other. And now one of them has done things (in covert ways that it’s hard to put your finger on without sounding crazy), to separate the group into being just her friends. I don’t mind that they do things with each other without me once in awhile, but there have been more times than not when she tries to cut me out totally. One friend used to tell me I was being too sensitive, but after one incident where she saw firsthand, she finally recognized that it does happen. The one friend would even try to take over and organize things that I initiated. And did not like it if I happen to ask if I could I go along once in awhile. But she never hesitated to invite herself along when I would do something with the girl that was my friend first. It sounds so childish of me I’m just tired of her backstabbing me. So many little things: if she wanted to change something in an event that I was planning, she would go to the other girls and ask basically for their support and then she would come to me and say everybody thinks blah blah blah. When in reality it was just her. I even called her on the carpet one time and said who, who else thinks this. If I am being accused of something, I have the right to know who. She’s finally admitted ‘well it was just me’, I can’t really cut her out of my life like I normally would because now that group of friends that I introduced her to would think I was being selfish. And the worst part is this one that keeps backstabbing me is the one out of the group where we used to be the closest. And even still why do I wish and pray that she would b my best friend again? I know if she wasn’t friends with my group it would be easier to walk away. Until then I can’t seem to purge myself of this resentment and jealousy. I still love them all and we have really good times together. It comes and goes. It’s very very hard. One ray of hope is that she recently encountered a bad situation and has turned to counseling and has realized she was too controlling and it was damaging her relationships with everyone, not just me. I am not happy that any of my friends are going through tough times, I am still there for them and I have continued to be there for her. But once bitten twice shy and I walk on eggshells because I’m afraid of it happening again. I pray that this sensitivity will go away and that I can trust her again.
I’ve come to the realization that you only know your true friends when you’re down. I’m so disappointed at this one friend who’s been to my place multiple times, has met my other friends, my husband & bonus daughter & I worked with her & used to go to places with her all the time. I had an accident this summer & had surgery, she has not been there for me. She has not even checked on me. & although I’m recovering & had a great support from others (thank God), I’m still shocked that she has not had an ounce of common sense to even reach out or come & see me. Grace is good if it’s the regular stuff (like flaking or always being the planner etc) but if you are truly down, had a hospitalization, surgery & long therapy…if your “friend” is not there for you…believe her & let go of that friendship. I would have jumped hoops for her if she was in the same situation but I’m glad that this accident was an eye opener to know who my true friends are. I’m so disappointed & sad & although my husband suggested showing grace & still reaching out to her, my heart is not in it anymore. Imagine being in a bad relationship & staying for the sake of grace…does it ever work out in the end? Or do you just end up burning your candle at both ends? ….Some people are just meant to be in our lives for a season & that’s ok
Diana-
I’m so sorry that you some health issues this past year. Praying that you are on the road to recovery. Regarding your friend, maybe she is also going through something that you don’t know about. This pandemic has affected a lot of people differently and has caused much stress and strain on friendships. I agree with your husband and maybe send her a note. Let her know that you miss her and hope she is doing well. Then suggest you get together for lunch or coffee if possible and leave the “ball” in her court.
I have a very close friend,her name is also Julie. The one thing that bothers me is she doesnt call me and i seem to call her. Last year hJule ans her husband helped me move. We use ti hang out a few times. Well last april i had a bowel obstruction,and she drove me to the urgent care,then took me to the emergengy room,both of my daughters cam. I was off work fora week. Then I had hernia surgery and she came to visit me and bought me stuff. Well over i week ago we were suppose to get together, and i mentioned to her ,fred and are were throwing a party for my older daughter,she recieved her masters degree and the party was that weekend. Well i said i couldnr go out,becuae of getting stuff for the part. Well my friend went off on me and said for all the stuff i did for you i must be stupid,i came to see you at the hospital, told you about something else. I couldnt believe she was telling me these things. I called her up later and she said to me i shouldnt have said anything.I sent her a nice card and explained what was goong on in my liufe adn asked her to call.I havent heard from her. What should I do??
Hi Julie
I’m so sorry that your friend hasn’t reached out to you. I would suggest you continue to reach out and pray for your friend and your friendship.
I had a close group of friends from school days. People that I had shared life moments with into adulthood. Over the last decade I have gone through a few big changes, none of which these friends knew anything about because the last I spoke to any of them was before the first of the occurrences. Dramatic things that your “closest” friends would be there for you during. Yet during those times I became hard to find, withdrawing from the world I suppose because of what I was going through. I removed myself from any online presence and changed my phone number, however all of these people were also acquainted with others in my family and had they wanted to seek me out, It wouldn’t have been that difficult to find me. My email hasn’t changed and they know where I live. My point – I’m not mad or angry at anyone. But I was most recently in a situation to which I found myself nightly combing thru contacts in my phone for someone that I could call for help. For months I was in this situation and had reconciled with the idea that I if I did not find help, I would surely wind up in a trunk dead. Yet still did not feel comfortable enough to call any single one of my so called friends. I remember nights staring at certain names imagining the phone call to that person. And crying as I decided at each one, like the last, that I didn’t want to call them. Obviously, i’m alive and thank god got myself out of that nightmare but the memory of it is still very vivid. The thought now of continuing on with those friendships, like it didn’t rip my heart out that I didn’t feel like I could call them. I can’t do that. I don’t want to. It stings.. They were like family at one point. No longer. I have recently started going online again and a couple of them have sent friend requests. I delete them. Am I wrong to feel I need to move on? What should I say if any of them do decide to pay me a visit one day? I’m not angry, and I don’t want to appear that I am, but I also don’t want to act like everything is fine when it’s not.
I’m so sorry that you have been struggling with your friendships. It can be difficult to make and keep friends as an adult. It sounds like you would like to make new friendships and I think that is a great idea. Be sure to check out this post that has some really great tips.https://www.livingwellspendingless.com/how-to-make-friends-as-a-grownup-7-ideas-for-expanding-your-social-circle/
you were my friend but you just treat me like garbage i dont even want to look at you get out of my life now
I recently have been let down. I have a friend that we have been close to for years. She has always wanted the same things as me. I just recently started back to school in January to achieve my bachelor’s degree, which is something she has been wanting to do also. When I would talk about school she would give me no feedback or encouragement. That concerned me, so I just didn’t mention how I was doing in college anymore. However, I had been wanting to go on a girl’s trip. We had talked about planning a trip together. We were both excited to plan a trip together or so it seemed. Then I found out she has planned a trip with a co-worker and not me. And I did not get an invite. How Am I supposed to feel? I am hurt. I just don’t understand why she did would not invite me when we had talked about going on a trip together. We go on a trip every year for the past 10 years. Is she jealous of me? I would hate to think that she is. But what would explain her behavior?
I’m so sorry you are feeling hurt my your friends actions. My advice would be to call her and set up a time to chat. Then be honest and let her know that your feelings were hurt. Tell her how much your relationship means to you and that you would still love to plan a girls weekend with her. Praying for you and your friendship.
But isn’t giving grace and helping the other person all the time without getting anything in return or jut getting disappointment leads to just being used? Isn’t there a limit? I feel like I’ve been giving and giving grace for a couple of years without much return and now I feel like it has to stop as it is too one-sided.
It sounds like you might need to have a heart to heart with your friend and explain how you are feeling. If after that things don’t change you can continue to give grace but don’t have to be used. Sometimes loving toxic people needs to be done within boundaries to protect yourself.
Thanks. I actually had this conversation (via phone) where I told how I feel about our relationship. The reaction was that she knows how she behaves at times and also “approved” my problems when I came up with some concrete examples. Later that week I asked whether we could meet sometime and had planned a day to meet. (we haven’t met this year yet) That was declined by her at last saying she had some tasks to do and also had some housework to do… We haven’t talked since, it was 3 weeks ago.
I’m so sorry to hear that Imre.
I can totally relate to this. My friend has some kind of a mental illness. She feels like she’s always the victim in most of her circumstances. I’ve kept reminding myself that it is not my role to fix her but I have always encouraged her to get help. She hasn’t gotten any professional help up until this point. She claims that she is well aware of her mental issues and she feels that she can manage it on her own. Lately, I started to feel more frustrated with her life decisions. I don’t feel like dealing with all her dramas anymore. Now, I find myself responding to her messages a lot less. I have been distancing myself. I’m pretty sure that she is starting to notice it. I have been fighting with my urge to speak up but I don’t want to interfere with her life decisions. She knew what she needed to do for her mental health. She knew what she wanted to do for herself to get better but keeps on losing her focus.
I have a friend who lets me down ….often …but what I have come to know about her is I think she has some form of mental illness which makes it impossible for her to take ANY responsibility for her actions. Perhaps borderline personality disorder or narcissism.
I ‘ve learned not to let her get to me..I won’t get angry or pout but will tell her when she has disappointed me…right when the situation happens. I feel you have to speak truth. If I did those things to her I would hear it in a very dramatic and diva-like way …believe me.
Will she change ? No….Could the friendship be better? Yes…but it’s a 2 way street. I’ve learned to distance myself from her and her odd ways. I’m older and wiser and life is too short to carry hurt..because it ends up hurting YOU.
So true Pati, thanks for sharing. 🙂
My friend of 30 years has always been pretty self-absorbed. 99% of our conversations are about her. Even when I talk, it always gets back to her. I have learned to love her where she is. She is very giving when she wants to be – loves to give you food she made, etc. I am always there if she needs me. I show up within 10 minutes if she needs me, take care of her house, etc. I don’t resent or regret it. That is what friends do. She is usually the one who suggests something to do and I will often say yes. She rarely says yes when I ask her to do things, so I just stopped. Again, loving her where she is. Well, she had a rough year so a few months ago I asked her friend from college to come up here for a few days to help cheer her. She agreed and we arranged it. I asked if one night could be a girls night and have dinner, game and a movie. So I told my friend about all of these surprises so she could prepare. We planned the girls night for the night of her birthday. She is not a fan of birthdays so it was more just to have a positive gathering. Unfortunately, my 19 year old cat got suddenly ill and it looked like we would need to put him to sleep on her birthday. I said I wasn’t sure how I would be doing so if I wasn’t up to it on Monday, could we do it on Tuesday? I cleaned my house, bought steaks and got everything ready. She suddenly says that she no longer wants to do anything on Monday. So I asked about Tuesday. I said celebrating her would be a nice distraction and a nice night. She then went radio silent only to send me a terse note on the day my precious cat died saying that she would have the gathering at her house with the food she makes doing the activities of her choice and that was that. I reminded her I had been planning this for months, shopped, cleaned and that I didn’t understand. She said I was guilt tripping her and making it all about me. Long story short, I told her to just go ahead and do what she wants with the friend who came to see her and happy birthday. No response. She hurt me terribly on one of my saddest days. She was so selfish. I cannot see getting past this and I am pretty sure she sees nothing wrong with her words or actions. My heart is literally breaking for two things at the same time.
So sorry for the loss of your fur baby. Also praying that your heart heals from this hurt.
I had a guy friend named Dominic they had let me down more then one time like a lot of times the final straw was when he made time for his girlfriend but not me that was the last straw I had to end the friendship and I’m proud of myself I have not spoken to him in a year and a half I forgave him but never talked to him again there’s nothing left to say I did point him to the yard when his dog got loose but nothing after that his issues are his own to handle now
I have had many, bad horrible “friends”. I’m a magnet for narcissists. No one can beat Pansy.
The only reason I really think we were ever friends in the first place was because I adored her father and grandmother, as they did me. Became friends in third grade. She just !oved to do mean shit. She actually called my family in seventh grade to tell them I had won an award at the school. My dad took the day off and got my sister to go with him. There was no such thing. I was humiliated! Later, in high school we had won a big basketball game. The crowd driving were exchanging stuff from car to car. Our turn, I jumped out go grab the flag, as I turned to get back into car, she took off and drug me down the street. In front of my classmates! I have never gone to a high school reunion because im terrified she would do something to me (Pour a drink on me, trip me) Many more examples I could give. Finally, at the age of 30 I stopped talking to her completely. Just said no more.
Then at 48, her father died. I loved him. So I went to the funeral. She acted like she couldn’t remember me. Her husband scolded her for acting so stupid. He welcomed me. What I did not know at the moment was, that her father just died, her mother had dementia and her husband was leaving her for another woman. Looking back I realized this was her Karma. But at the time I felt bad for her.
She started begging me to take care of her mom for her. She lived 400 mikes away. I have my own family!! Anyway she sticks mom in nursing home. She dies. She sells her house for peanuts. Now there is no where for her to come and stay when she wants to visit. Except my house. Nope nada my husband after second time said never again.
Fast forward to age 55. Her daughter hates her guts. Blocks her. Will not speak do her. In turn, Pansy will tell anyone who will listen that her daughter is a whore and drug addict that has mental issues. Her daughter is a special needs teacher with two masters!
Anyway, Last year Pansy was very blue about her upcoming birthday. Very few care for Pansy. She was gonna be alone! So, I drove down to see her. It took me about 5 hours. I took her …a homemade chocolate cake, a homemade wreath for her front door…BBQ…coneydog sauce..a box of chocolate.. All from our hometown and different girly things. I tried my darndest to make that a wonderful birthday.
The first night I was there…she actually took out citronella candles and put them directly in front of me. I told her that would make me sick. She thought that was funny. Second afternoon, she acted like a spoiled child. We went to this beautiful park by the Ohio River, another man was standing near us just chatting with me. When she informed him we were not there to talk to him. I was humiliated! I apologized and asked what the HELL was wrong with her? But that evening back at her house, while sitting outside, she pulls out a can of Lysol and sprays me and says she smells something funky!! I’m 55 years old! I took a shower that morning! I’m very clean and nicely taken care of! She ate the flipping cake I baked her!! I was so upset I wanted to shove that can down her throat. But I just went to bed. Knowing I was leaving as soon as my eyes opened.
I had finally realized how incredibly jealous she was of me. I had A husband that adores me. A son that loves me and buys me cool things! And many girlfriends who like hanging out with me. She has no one.
The following weekend she drove up, for a relatives wedding. When I asked her if she was going to stop by my home? She did not have the time. And it was not about me!!!
I have not spoken to her in a year! I blocked her from everything. I was done years ago. Then I felt sorry for her. Now I feel she deserves everything she gets. Oh I forgot, she adopted three different animals and ended up taking them to different shelters thinking it was funny.
I do know she is evil inside. I know exactly why her husband left her. And I know why she will never have a relationship with her daughter. She was evil toward her grandmother. Her mother allowed it. She stuck her mother in a nursing home. Now its her daughters turn. Sad
So sorry for all the pain that the relationship with Pansy has caused you.
Dear Lona
Your ‘friend’ is not evil. She probably is suffering from a neurological disorder called Narcissist Syndrome. Google it and I’m sure that the pieces will fit. My mum suffered from this syndrome and of course I’m attracted to people with the same traits. We do this to try and salve deep problems. But it’s a pointless and hurtful exercise.
I have been hurt in a similar way and my heart goes out to you.
Believe me, you do not need friends like this, however much you love them they are incapable of truly loving you. They are damaged. Love them and support them, if you want but never expect the same thing to be returned as it will not happen. They are incapable of supporting a ‘friend’ in need as they often believe that it reflects badly on them. They need to shine and will do anything to achieve this, including trashing their friends.
It’s best to try and move on and find new friends who appreciate you for the special being that you are.
I’m sorry that you went through that. Sometimes a friendship is just over for reasons that we’ll never understand, and we can’t go back to where it was. People simply change. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Often it’s better to move on and seek new friends.
I suppose I should do the same.
My friends (and family) have never been there for me. They weren’t supportive when I was ill or when I suffered great loss, and they certainly haven’t been supportive of my dreams. Since 2005, I’ve ran a successful online business where I sell my artwork. None of them express interest. I also had a novel published in 2012, and they all ignored it. I can’t tell you how crushed I was. Until recently, I abandoned editing the other three rough drafts in the series.
None of them ever say anything about my creative endeavors as if the whole concept doesn’t exist or is invisible to them. Quite frankly, I just find that strange.
I always encourage others who are seeking a dream and putting themselves out there.
I’m sorry BB that you have had such painful relationships with your family and friends. Praying you can find people who appreciate your creative work and support you. 🙂
I have been reading posts regarding this topic and this post is one of the most interesting and informative one I have read. Thank you for this!
What exactly does it mean to show grace?
When we show grace to others, it’s about showing kindness to someone else even when they don’t deserve it.