The Life Advice I Wish Someone Had Given Me 20 Years Ago

5 Hard Lessons About Building a Life and Business You Actually Love

Some lessons you learn from books. Some you learn from mentors. And some you only learn by living—by making the wrong call, going after the wrong thing, hitting rock bottom, and somehow finding your way back.

These are the second kind.

After 16 years of building businesses, writing seven books, and creating multiple seven-figure brands, I’ve had a lot of time to look back at what I wish someone had just told me sooner. Not the tactics. Not the strategies. The deeper stuff—about mental strength, about structure, about goals, and about what it actually means to win.

Here are the five lessons that changed everything for me. Fair warning: some of them might sting a little. But if you’re in the middle of building something—a business, a life, or just a better version of yourself—you probably need to hear them.

My husband always tells me that I’m the kind of person who needs to learn things the hard way.

And I guess he’s not wrong.

I’ve always been more of a jump first, figure it out later kinda gal.

And some lessons have taken me a long time to learn.

But when I look back at my life and my business, there are a few things that I probably wish I could have learned a little sooner.

And that’s what I want to talk about today.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about lessons. The kind you don’t learn from a book or a course, but from living—from making mistakes, taking wrong turns, falling apart, and somehow finding your way back.

Because here’s the thing: I’ve been making some pretty massive changes in my business this quarter. Big shifts. Big decisions. The kind that require a lot of deep thinking and soul-searching.

And that process has made me really reflective. Looking back at where I’ve been. Thinking about what I’ve learned. Examining the hard-won wisdom that I wish someone had just told me sooner.

Not the tactics. Not the hacks. But the deeper truths about what actually makes life work.

The kind of lessons that only come from experience. From trying and failing. From achieving the big goal and realizing it didn’t feel the way you thought it would. From hitting rock bottom and learning how to climb back up.

So today, I’m sharing five of those lessons with you. 

Lesson 1: Nobody Is Coming to Save You

Okay, so the first hard truth I want to talk about—and honestly, this might be the hardest one—is this: Nobody is coming to save you.

And I mean that in the most empowering way possible, even though it doesn’t always feel empowering.

Let me explain what I mean.

When you have a big vision—whether it’s for your business, your health, your life—you have to be the one who believes in it first. Long before anyone else sees it. Long before anyone else gets it. Long before it makes sense to anybody but you.

You don’t get the luxury of waiting for someone to validate your dream or pump you up when you’re feeling low or fix things when they’re hard.

You have to be your own biggest advocate. Your own cheerleader. The one who keeps going when nobody else understands what you’re building.

The Early Days

I learned this building my first online business. And I’m talking way back—like 2010, 2011. I was blogging… spending hours and hours creating content, trying to figure out this whole online business thing. And people thought I was insane.

My friends made fun of me. My family didn’t get it. Even my husband was like, “So when is this little hobby going to start making money?”

Nobody saw what I was building. Nobody understood why I was working so hard on something that wasn’t making sense to anyone but me.

But here’s the thing: I had to believe in the vision anyway. I had to keep showing up. Keep creating. Keep moving forward—even when I had zero proof it was going to work out.

And that’s the part nobody tells you about going after big things.

The Messy Middle Truth

When you’re in it—when you’re in the messy middle of building something or changing something—nobody applauds. Nobody cheers.

They only celebrate you after you’ve already done it. Once you’ve achieved the thing, then everyone acts like, “Oh, of course you did that! That’s so amazing! That must have been so easy for you!”

But when you’re in it? Crickets. Or worse—doubt. Skepticism. People wondering what the hell you’re doing.

And here’s what’s even harder: Once you do achieve it, nobody gives you credit for how hard it actually was. They just take it for granted. Like, “Oh yeah, of course Ruth built a successful online business. Look at her now.”

But they don’t see the years of doubt. The late nights. The moments when I wasn’t sure if I was completely delusional or onto something real.

Overcoming self-doubt as an entrepreneur isn’t about eliminating the doubt. It’s about learning to move forward anyway—before you have proof, before you have validation, before anyone else believes in it.

The Leadership Tax

And if you’re a leader—if you’re running a business, leading a team, or even just trying to hold your family together—this goes double for you.

Because as the leader, you don’t get to have a bad day. Not really.

You have to be the voice of reason. The calm in the storm. The one who keeps everyone else going when things get hard. The one who pumps everybody else up and keeps things moving.

That’s a lot to carry. And it’s lonely sometimes.

You have to be mentally tough enough to take the hits, day after day, week after week, year after year, and still keep going.

Nobody’s coming to rescue you from that. Nobody’s going to swoop in and make it easier.

The Empowering Truth

So here’s the first thing I wish someone had told me 15 years ago: You have to be your own biggest advocate and cheerleader. You have to believe in your vision way before anybody else does—and keep believing in it even when nobody’s clapping.

You have to take full responsibility for your dreams. For your life. For your results.

Because nobody is coming to save you.

And here’s the good news: You don’t need them to. You’ve got this. You’re capable of so much more than you realize.

And once you accept that—once you really own it—it’s actually incredibly freeing.

Because you stop waiting. You stop looking for someone else to give you permission or validation. You just start doing the damn thing.

And that leads me to the second hard truth…

LESSON TWO: Mental Strength Is a Muscle (And You Have to Train It)

Building mental strength as an entrepreneur is one of the most underrated skills nobody talks about. And I know this because I had to learn it the hard way.

Because once you accept that you’re the one who has to show up for yourself, the next question becomes: How do you actually stay mentally strong enough to keep going?

Especially when things are hard. When you’re hitting roadblocks. When you want to quit.

And I’m going to be really honest with you here because I think it’s important.

My Story

When I was in my early twenties, I went through a really bad depression. Like, really bad. I ended up in a hospital—McLean Hospital in Boston, actually—for six months in a women’s treatment program.

And at the time, it felt like my life was falling apart. I was trying to be a wife at 21 years old. I was taking care of two of my younger brothers. I was going to school. Working. Holding all these things together.

And I just… broke.

There was trauma involved. There were a lot of factors. But the bottom line was that I was carrying too much at an age when I didn’t have the tools to handle it.

And I completely fell apart.

The Turning Point

But here’s the thing: That experience, as painful as it was, taught me something incredibly valuable.

Because in that program, they taught us dialectical behavioral therapy—DBT. Which is basically a fancy way of saying they taught us how to observe our thoughts without being held captive by them.

They taught us that we have so much more control over our thinking than we realize. That you can see a thought, examine it, and then choose to tell yourself a different story.

And I want to be clear: This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. This is about learning to be an impartial observer of your own thoughts.

To notice when you’re spiraling. To catch yourself in the middle of a doom loop. And to have the skills to redirect.

The 25-Year Payoff

And I’ve used that skill for the past 25 years.

I haven’t struggled with depression since then. Not once in 25 years. And I don’t think that’s an accident.

I think it’s because I learned how to manage my thinking. How to observe what’s happening in my head and make conscious choices about the stories I tell myself.

The Doom Spiral

Because here’s what happens when you hit resistance in your life—and trust me, you will hit resistance.

Anytime you’re working toward something hard. Anytime you’re facing an obstacle. Anytime you’re procrastinating or feeling stuck.

You have a choice.

You can lean into what I call the doom spiral and just keep spiraling down. Let the negative thoughts take over. Tell yourself you can’t do it. That it’s too hard. That you should just give up.

Or you can take a step back, examine your thinking, and tell yourself a new story.

Not a lie. I’m not talking about lying to yourself or pretending everything’s perfect. I’m talking about reminding yourself of the truth.

That you’ve overcome hard things before. That you know how to show up. That you know how to problem solve. That every day is a new day, and you can start again.

Permission to Wallow

Now, I’m also very much a believer in giving yourself permission to wallow.

If a day is just going to shit, I will allow myself to feel bad. I’ll binge Netflix. I’ll doom scroll on Instagram. I’ll eat the ice cream. I’ll sit with the feelings.

But—and this is important—I give myself a day. Maybe two if it’s really bad.

And then I wake up the next morning and I say, “Okay, that’s done. Today is a new day. Let’s go.”

Because feeling your feelings is healthy. Wallowing forever is not.

You have to give yourself permission to be human. To have bad days. To feel overwhelmed or frustrated or sad.

And you can’t live there.

The Rhythm Connection

And this is where having a rhythm comes back into play. Because when I know I have my planning rhythm—my quarterly sprints, my weekly planning—it’s easier to give myself permission to have an off day.

Because I know I’ll get back on track tomorrow. I know I have a structure that will catch me.

The Takeaway

So here’s the second life lesson: Mental strength isn’t something you’re born with. It’s a muscle. You build it by learning to observe your thoughts, tell yourself the truth, and start again.

Feel the feelings, but don’t live there.

Train yourself to see the doom spiral coming and redirect before you get too far down.

And remember: You have so much more control over your thinking than you realize. But you have to practice. You have to build that muscle.

Which brings me to the third thing I wish I’d learned sooner…

LESSON THREE: Structure Doesn’t Trap You—It Frees You

Because once you understand that you need to be your own advocate and that you have the power to control your thoughts, the next question is: How do you actually create a life where you’re moving forward instead of just spinning your wheels?

And the answer is structure.

The Pushback

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. “Ruth, I don’t want more structure. I’m already overwhelmed. I don’t need another system or another thing to manage.”

I get it. I really do.

But here’s what I’ve learned, and this might be one of the most important things I’m going to say today:

Structure is not a cage. Structure is freedom.

Let me explain.

What Happens Without Structure

Let me tell you what happens when you don’t have structure. You drift.

You slip into maintenance mode—where you’re just trying to keep up with all the day-to-day tasks. The laundry. The emails. The grocery shopping. The endless to-do list.

And you’re busy. Gosh, you’re busy.

But you’re not actually moving toward anything. You’re just maintaining. Treading water. Barely keeping your head above the surface.

And that’s exhausting.

The Property Story

My husband and I have experienced this more than once, actually. It can sneak up on you without even realizing it.

Like a few years ago. We’d spent probably ten years looking for this legacy property—a place out in the country on acreage where we could create this gathering space for our family. We searched everywhere. We looked all over the country, really.

We’d spend every weekend scrolling Zillow. We flew to Tennessee once to look at a property. Drove up to Georgia another time.

It was this shared vision we had. This big goal we were working toward together. And that gave us purpose. It gave us something to talk about. Something to dream about. Something bigger than just the day-to-day grind.

Then we finally found our place. Ironically, it was only a few miles from where we were already living. And we bought it, and we loved it.

But it needed a lot of work.

And here’s what happened: We got so caught up in all the maintenance—managing a six-acre property with multiple buildings, everything half falling apart, needing attention—that we stopped having an actual project. We were just in maintenance mode.

The Warning Signs

And I could feel it. I could feel it in my stress levels—like I’m barely keeping up, and I’m drowning, but nothing feels exciting.

I could feel it in our marriage—we were getting snippy with each other. My husband would say things like, “We never do anything. We’re just trying to keep up.”

Those are the signs.

When you’re busy all the time but nothing feels exciting. When you’re drowning in responsibility but starving for inspiration. When you’re keeping up with everything but nothing’s floating your boat.

That’s when you know you’ve slipped into maintenance mode.

The Realization

And that’s when I realized: We don’t have an actual project. We’ve slipped back into that grind routine. We’re maintaining, but we’re not building toward anything.

And part of that this past year was all these weddings we had to travel to. All this stuff on the calendar that kept us from being able to start something new because we were always about to leave again.

But now that we’re home, we’ve actually identified some bigger projects.

My husband is converting part of our barn into a podcast recording studio for me, which I’m super excited about. He loves building projects—he’s an engineer, he’s super handy. So this is getting him fired up, and it’s getting me fired up.

And suddenly we have something that feels bigger than the day-to-day. And that changes everything.

The difference between maintenance mode and building mode isn’t about how busy you are. It’s about whether you have something bigger than the day-to-day pulling you forward.

The Power of Rhythm

And that’s why having a rhythm is so important. That practice of stepping back regularly to ask:

What do I want? What’s not working? Where am I facing resistance? Who do I want to be? What’s my vision for the future?

I do this in a big way once a year, and in a smaller way once a quarter with my quarterly sprints.

And without that structure—without that regular rhythm of reflection—it’s so easy to just get sucked into the monotony of the day-to-day without even realizing it.

The Big Shift

And here’s what most people get wrong about this.

They think having a plan or a system means they’re trapped. That they’ve lost their freedom. That they’re locked into something rigid and inflexible.

But it’s actually the opposite.

Without structure, your emotions run your life. You’re reactive. You’re responding to whatever’s urgent instead of focusing on what’s important. You’re at the mercy of your to-do list and everyone else’s demands.

But with structure—with a rhythm of reflection and planning—your vision runs your life. You’re intentional. You know where you’re going. You’re making conscious choices about how you spend your time and energy.

And that frees you from the guilt and the overwhelm and the feeling like you’re just spinning in circles, never actually getting anywhere.

The Takeaway

So here’s lesson three: Structure is freedom. A rhythm of reflection keeps you grounded, focused, and intentional.

Build that rhythm into your life—whether it’s quarterly, monthly, or weekly—or drift is inevitable.

You need that regular practice of stepping back to look at the big picture. To reconnect with your vision. To make sure you’re not just keeping up, but actually moving forward.

If you want to know how to stop drifting in life, this is it: build a rhythm of reflection that forces you to regularly step back from the day-to-day and reconnect with where you’re actually going.

Now, once you have that structure in place…

LESSON FOUR: It’s Okay to Pick the Wrong Goal

Here’s something that might surprise you: It’s okay to pick the wrong goal.

In fact, I’d argue it’s better to aim at the wrong thing than to drift aimlessly with no target at all.

The Law School Story

Let me tell you about law school.

Because for most of my life, I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. Like, my whole life. It was the thing I was working toward.

I worked my butt off in school. I studied for the LSAT. I applied to dual degree programs—law and business school combined. And I got accepted to one of the best programs in the entire country.

I was so proud of myself. I’d achieved this huge goal.

And then I got there.

And I absolutely hated it.

Law school was nothing like I thought it would be. The culture. The competition. The way of thinking. None of it was right for me.

And I realized pretty quickly that I’d spent years—years. of. my. life.—working toward something that ultimately wasn’t the right fit for me.

The Temptation to Regret

Now, here’s what I could have done: I could have beaten myself up. I could have spiraled into regret. I could have told myself, “What a waste of time. What a mistake. I’m such an idiot for not figuring this out sooner.”

But I didn’t.

Because here’s what I learned from that experience: I could do hard things.

I achieved the goal. I got into the school. That pride didn’t go away just because I decided to pivot.

I proved to myself that I was capable of going after something big and accomplishing it. And that lesson—that confidence—that stayed with me.

The Deeper Lesson

And more importantly, I learned that it’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to realize something isn’t right for you. It’s okay to quit.

Sometimes quitting is the bravest, smartest thing you can do.

Because staying in something that’s wrong for you just because you’ve already invested time and energy? That’s not courage. That’s stubbornness.

Real courage is being willing to pivot. To say, “This isn’t working. I need to try something different.”

The Bigger Truth About Goals

Because here’s the thing about goals: What matters isn’t whether you pick the “right” one. What matters is that you have one. That you’re moving toward something.

Because when you don’t have a target—when you don’t have something bigger than yourself to work toward—you start to drift.

And drift is where burnout lives.

The Marriage Counseling Story

This came up in a totally different way when my husband and I went to counseling years ago.

This was when I was in the thick of running my business. Working a ton of hours. Traveling. Building my multi-million dollar brand.

And my husband—he was the stay-at-home dad. He was doing all the things. Driving the kids around, doing the laundry, grocery shopping, volunteering at school.

All the thankless, endless tasks of keeping a household running.

And he was angry. He felt unappreciated. He thought I was working too much.

But our counselor helped us see something really important: It wasn’t that I was working too much. It was that he didn’t have anything of his own to be focused on.

He didn’t have a project or a purpose beyond the day-to-day grind.

And when you’re stuck in that monotony—just trying to keep up with life without any sort of project or purpose—it becomes a grind. That’s when burnout happens.

The Power of Purpose

So whether it’s a business goal, a health goal, a creative project, or even something like converting a barn into a podcast studio—you need something in your life that’s beyond just the day-to-day.

Something that gets you excited. Something that gives you purpose. Something that makes you feel like you’re building toward something.

And if that thing ends up being the “wrong” thing and you pivot later? That’s okay.

Because in the moment, it’s giving you aliveness. It’s giving you direction. It’s pulling you forward.

And that’s what actually matters.

The Takeaway

So here’s lesson four: Don’t get so paralyzed by trying to pick the perfect goal that you end up with no goal at all.

Purpose doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from movement.

Even the wrong goal moves you forward. Even the goal that doesn’t work out teaches you something valuable.

So pick something. Aim at something. Go after something big, even if you’re not 100% sure it’s the right thing.

Because you can always adjust. You can always pivot. But you can’t steer a parked car.

And that brings me to the final lesson—and honestly, this is the one that ties everything together…

LESSON FIVE: Joy Isn’t a Finish Line

Because after spending years chasing goals—both right and wrong—building businesses, achieving things, here’s what I finally realized:

Happiness and joy aren’t future states. They don’t come from achieving something. They don’t happen when you finally reach that finish line.

My Competitive Nature

Now, I’m a competitive person. Like, really competitive.

I’ve done the StrengthsFinder assessment, and “competition” is my number one strength. I play games to win. I can’t help it.

My husband won’t even play Scrabble with me anymore because I would just destroy him. And he’d get so mad because I’d already be way ahead and I’d still be sitting there trying to come up with the most insane seven-letter triple-point-score word.

And he’d be like, “Why are you trying so hard to crush me when you’re already winning?”

And I honestly couldn’t explain it. I just want to win. It’s who I am.

In fact, when we did StrengthsFinder with our whole family, competition showed up in each of my kids’ top strengths too. We’re a very competitive family. When we play Boggle, nobody will quit because everybody wants to end by winning a round. We’ll keep playing for hours.

The Wrong Definition of Winning

And for a long time in my business, I would say to my husband, “I just want to win. I want to win.”

And he’d ask me, “But what does winning actually mean to you?”

And I didn’t know. I couldn’t tell him.

Because I thought winning was some future destination. Some achievement. Some level of success that would finally make me happy.

I thought: When I hit this revenue goal, then I’ll feel successful. When I write this book, then I’ll feel accomplished. When I achieve this thing, then I’ll feel like I’ve made it.

But that’s not how it works.

The Realization

Because here’s what I’ve learned: Winning isn’t achieving something.

Winning is loving what you do. Winning is being able to show up as your best, most authentic self every single day. Winning is doing work you love and having a life you love—right now.

Not when circumstances are perfect. Not when everything’s going exactly the way you want. Not after you hit some arbitrary milestone.

Right now. In the middle of the mess. With all the imperfections and challenges and things that aren’t quite right yet.

The Daily Choice

And that requires a choice.

You have to choose joy every single day. You have to choose happiness. You have to choose contentment—even in the midst of hard circumstances. Even when things aren’t going right.

Because life is always going to throw you curveballs. There’s always going to be something that’s not perfect. Some challenge you’re facing. Some problem you’re trying to solve.

If you’re trying to figure out how to stop waiting to be happy—this is the answer. Stop treating joy like a destination and start treating it like a daily decision.

The Both/And Truth

Now, I don’t believe those two things are mutually exclusive.

I believe you can have joy and purpose in striving for things AND enjoy the journey as much as you enjoy achieving the result.

You can be competitive and ambitious and goal-oriented AND find joy in the process.

You can work toward something big AND love your life right now.

But you have to choose it. Every single day.

You have to decide that happiness isn’t waiting for you at some future finish line. It’s available to you right now, in this moment, exactly as things are.

The Takeaway

So here’s the final lesson: Joy isn’t a finish line. You don’t find happiness after success. You choose it in the middle of the mess.

Winning is loving your life as you live it—not waiting for someday to feel good about where you are.

And that mindset shift? That changes everything.

So those are the five hard truths I wish I’d learned sooner:

Nobody is coming to save you—so show up for yourself. Be your own biggest advocate. Believe in your vision before anyone else does.

Mental strength is a muscle—train your thoughts, feel your feelings, and start again. Don’t let the doom spiral take over. You have more control than you think.

Structure creates freedom—build a rhythm of reflection or drift is inevitable. Don’t let maintenance mode sneak up on you. Step back regularly to reconnect with your vision.

It’s okay to pick the wrong goal—purpose comes from movement, not perfection. Don’t get paralyzed trying to find the perfect thing. Just pick something and start moving.

And joy isn’t a finish line—you choose it every single day, right in the middle of the mess. Don’t wait for someday to feel good about your life. Choose to love it now.

Now, here’s the thing. These lessons? They didn’t come from reading a book or taking a course. They came from living. From building businesses and a marriage and a life over the past two decades. From making mistakes. From pivoting. From falling apart and finding my way back.

And they’re the foundation of everything I do now—the way I run my businesses, the way I show up in my marriage, the way I plan my life.

And if you’re listening to this and thinking, “Man, I need to take a step back and figure out what I actually want”—I get it.

Because here’s what I know: Right now is the perfect time to hit pause. To take a step back. To ask yourself those hard questions:

What do I want? What’s not working? Where am I facing resistance? Who do I want to be? What’s my vision for the future?

Because your next season doesn’t happen by accident. You have to build it. Intentionally.

Not with more tactics or strategies or hacks. But with getting crystal clear on what you want and why you want it. And then building a structure that supports you in making it happen.

Alright friend, that’s it for today.

If this episode resonated with you—if you found yourself nodding along or thinking, “Oh my gosh, that’s exactly how I feel”—I’d love it if you’d share it with someone who needs to hear it. Send them the link. Screenshot this episode and post it to your stories.

And if you haven’t already, be sure to leave a rating and review. It really does help more people find the show, and I read every single one.

Thanks so much for being here. For showing up. For doing the hard work of creating a life you love.

I’ll see you next week.

Now go out there and do it scared.

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